By Pao Ling
I entered my mid-20s a few months ago. Well, technically, it was two years ago, but I am still in denial. Growing up, I had a mental roadmap of the life I wanted to have, and every life changing decision I’ve made for the last 25 years has lead me closer to that life. I must admit it has mostly been due to favorable circumstances, but they’ve lead me closer to my end goal nonetheless. Growing up, I was always careful not to make stupid decisions, tiptoeing around choices that would in any way affect the future life I had planned for myself. It was not until I entered my dreadful Quarter-Life Crisis, as I like to call it, that I willingly stomped over all the landmines I’d always been so careful to avoid.
What does it feel like to go through a quarter-life crisis?
For me, it felt like I was out of control. I went through life with a set plan, doing everything I needed to do in order to move forward and accomplish my goals. I married the perfect guy, my best friend in the whole world. I had a full-time job while I went to college, had an amazing relationship with my family and friends, and overall, had a great life. Then, I graduated college and things started to change. Suddenly, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore, and I began to panic.
After graduating college, I was unable to find a job in my field. I wasn’t expecting to find something right away; I knew journalism was not an easy field to get into. But after a few months went by and nothing changed, I was discouraged from working in the field that I had worked so hard to be part of. I kept busy with part-time tutoring gigs, babysat here and there but had no aspirations for anything better.
Then my husband got fired from his well-paying job, and I felt the pressure to get my shit together and work full-time, regardless of whether it was in my field of study or not. Meanwhile, I grew distant with most members of my family, and gradually, my relationship with my husband began to change. Rituals that were sacred to us as a family, Sunday dinner for example, were no longer of any importance. Arguments with them became more frequent, and I opted to stay away. I spent more time going out partying and made decisions I will forever regret.
Social media played a large role in my conflicting feelings. After following some of my friends from high school and college, I couldn’t help but compare my life to theirs. The more I saw their successes, the more I thought about my failures. I thought of the things I hadn’t accomplished as failures because everyone else seemed to be doing so much better than me. Instead of focusing on all the great things that were going on in my life, I focused on how far behind I was compared to others.
I adopted a careless mentality that took me down a crooked path. It wasn’t until I almost lost everything that ever mattered to me—all that I’d worked so hard to achieve—that I finally woke up. Mending things has not been easy. I’ve had to prove myself to those I’ve deeply hurt, letting my actions show how sorry I am about the things I did.
Slowly but surely, my insecurities and lack of self love are dwindling, and I’ve come to learn that everything is about choice. Even though I am not at the place in my career I thought I would be at this point in my life, it doesn’t mean the place I’m in is bad. I am choosing to see all the good things surrounding me. I am choosing to be thankful for my wonderful husband and the amazing life we have. I am choosing to stop making excuses and work hard toward achieving my goals. Even though I may be getting older, I’d like to think that I am getting wiser too.
Find out more about Pao at AllThingsMixedGirl and follow her on YouTube.com/Allthingsmixedgirl
The Millénaire 